Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Art of Seeking One's Self

"but for those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, there will be wrath and fury." Romans 2:8

Those who went to Messiah last Sunday morning heard my rather harsh reality check God gave me about my selfishness. For those who weren't, I'll say very briefly that I let a lot of stupid, minor inconveniences put me in a really bad mood that all but extinguished my light for Christ one particular morning. Later on that same morning, after I'd stewed around and gotten myself into an even worse mood, I found out about a lady I worked with whose newborn granddaughter wasn't going to make it through the day, as all of her vital organs were failing. Could I keep them in my prayers?

Everyone at the CVS I work at knows exactly where I go to school, knows exactly what I'm going to school for, and knows exactly what I claim to be. How am I reflecting Southeastern? How am I reflecting Christianity? How am I reflecting Christ?

Of course, this is no isolated incident. I usually hide it a little better though. That's why I titled this the art of self-seeking. Because that's what I've honed it to, an art form. I can be selfish while making it seem like I'm not. I can serve my own needs while seeming to serve others. Now this isn't always the case, many times I have genuinely served others with no gain to myself. But have I gone out of my way to do this? Have I searched for opportunities? Have I genuinely loved my neighbor more than myself? I cannot in good conscience say yes to these, and it's finally beginning to shame me. "But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong;" 1 Corinthians 1:27

If I were smarter, I could put together some eloquent process of prayer, Bible study, and fasting to make me more humble and Christlike. But I'm not. So all I know to do is get down on my knees and beg for God's help. I have to reteach myself that anything I can do I couldn't without God, so everything that I do should be for His glory. It seems so simple, so obvious, but I can't seem to make my flesh do what my spirit longs to. I need your prayers as I continue my journey through my most difficult part ever.

This was a pretty tough post for me, especially with it being almost 4 months since my last post. I'd like to believe I'm growing, but how can I know without chronicling my journey? Pray I can keep up with this thing a little better also.

God Bless,

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